The Hyper Pothead Diaries
by Bobarella
Summary: This will blow your mind! The secret diaries of Hyper Pothead and his f*cked up friends. Sorry hasn't been updated in forever but its still amazing!!! R+R
1. Default Chapter

These are the Hyper Pothead Diaries. Some are in video diary form, others are in written.

Disclaimer: Do not own any characters, blah blah blah. I own nothing, if u sue me, you wont be able to get anything anyway.

Thanx to the girl who wrote the LotR diaries, we got some inspiration and the idea from YOU! 

We are two people, to see full bio click on author's name (duh)

BACKGROUND INFO

**Hyper pothead:** is strangely hyper and often heard saying "no, need my precious crystals!" Spends a LOT of time with Dumbledore. Hmmm…no, it couldn't be… could it??

**Ron:** finds himself strangely attracted to Malfoy. Often heard saying: "dammit, ferrets are sexy!!" We believe he is once again referring to Malfoy. Feels violated that Hermione tries to go down his pants CONSTANTLY. 

**Hermione: **Weird, pervy sex maniac that constantly does hmwk to get her mind of the s-word. Was expelled from old school for raping 7 children. Often heard saying, "That's okay, im going to put 300lbs of power between my legs." She actually is referring to a motorcycle given to her for when she experiences "urges" of which she rides. (hmmm and we were wondering why she studied so much…)

****

**Malfoy: **budding pyro/paranoid/schizophrenia/multiple personalities. Often heard saying, "Remember the Alamo! Remember the Alamo! Denies his placement in St. Mungo's prior to Hogwarts.

**WARNING:** The format for the diaries has changed. They will now go according to Entry #'s, since we thought it would be easier for U to understand. The diaries basically have the same events, with all of the different points of view of each character. We thought it would be funnier for U the reader, to have the different perspectives consecutively written. So we changed it a little… HAVE FUN!!

Hope u like it, and we LIVE off of reviews so REVIEW damn it! Flames will be welcomed and laughed at…as we just wanted to express our, ummm ideas.


	2. Entry 1

THE HYPER POTHEAD DIARIES

** HARRY Entry #1**: 

Just got sorted. Woohoo! Albus walked in while I wuz dancing my happy dance. Told him to go away and come back when I was more "excited"… 

I wonder if anyone wonders why I'm so "popular" with the teachers?

No, I'm a very good actor.

Wait-am I?

HERMIONE:

Met new friends today: Harry and Ron. They're nice, I suppose. Prof. Dumbledore is AWFULLY nice to Harry. Could he- NO.

            Um, Harry's awfully hyper and Ron's quite temperamental, but they're quite cute in those sexy Hogwarts robes and their hot- oh God stop, Hermione!! (smacks herself in the head). Remember why you were expelled from old school…remember why…(starts reciting) sleeping with people does not make anything better…sleeping wit- o gosh I need sex- NO!! pie multiplied by 64 = 3.927. Yes. And 410 multiplied by 10 to the power of 7 is 4100000000. Yes. Yes. Okay just keep thinking of work…

RON:

Okay I finally met the Great Harry Potter. He's alright I suppose, only he's very hyper. Hermione's nice. He's really smart and her teeth are so big but she kept looking at me and Ron and licking her lips and then she'd smack her head and say some math thing like 10 billion multiplied by something else is 4. Weird…

            Also there's this kid Malfoy and he makes me feel very…erm…(blushes) angry. Yes that's right, angry…(coughs) Um, well, I'll be off. (runs away)

**A/N:  That's all for now!!!! You'd better review or we'll kill you! We need at least 1 review and then we'll  put up ENTRY 2 and then we'll increase the number of reviews we need, depending on how many we get!!! ::evil grin:: bwa hahaha**


	3. Entry 2

**Entry #2: HARRY**

Exams are on the way and the quidditch- (walks up to camera) is this cheese? Wow, shroud-y… (shakes head) No, no, I can't deal with stress! (wanders off in search of his precious "crystals") (Harry bouces back) Hee hee! Im back! I think Ron likes Hermione. I'll ask him! Oh no! Its' time to meet Albus to make SURE I'll pass. (opens Dumbledore's office to find Hermione already there.) Good Lord! It's the Pilsbury dough boy! Can I shake your hand?

HERMIONE: 

(smoking cigarette) Good God, exams! I cant cope with this! Harry walked in on me and the professor. I tried to tell him that wasn't a hand! 

Read all three books of the Lord of the Rings today: Aragorn SO has the hots for Frodo. Too bad though, if he tries anything, Sam will kill him. (A/N: inside joke between us and anyone who has read LotR diaries. If u wanna read them, go to orlandobloom.co.nz then click on extras and then secret diaries. Warning, story and movie spoiler! They are hilarious!)

Malfoy and Ron had another fight, good thing I stopped them. You know what I realized? Voldemort's soooo sexy. I bet he's got a- NO! Stop! You were doing so well! (grabs hair) Oh no. Okay, im going to put 300lbs of power between my legs, NOW.

RON: Harry asked if I liked Hermione. Wat the Fuck?? Since when? I HATE the bitch. She walked in as I tried to express my feelings to Malfoy! Here's how it went…

            Hermione opens the door but I don't see her.

Me: "Malfoy let me introduce you to my…"

Her: NO!!!! Not your fist Ron!!!! No fighting!!

I wasn't going to say fist.

Hermione's been scaring me. She's been doing odd things. (Ahem)  and I mean ODD. I saw her riding a motorcycle earlier. Where'd she get that? Aw well maybe Malfoy's downstairs…

A/N: For this chapter we expect at least 1 review before we put up the new chapter!!! Then by the time we are finished, we will have so many reviews we will be able to rule the world!!! IN PLACE OF A DARK LORD YOU WOULD HAVE 2 QUEENS!!!! TREACHEROUS AS THE SEA! MORE POWERFUL THAN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH!!!!(lotr reference, go see the movie if u don't get it) Blah blah u get the drift… hehe anyways, REVIEW unless you want our wrath to destroy you and your families!!! Bwaaaahahaha ^_^   OH AND BY THE WAY, WHEN U REVIEW (FACE OF EVIL AHEM AHEM) YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY REVIEW!!! PLEASE TELL US WHAT TO CHANGE AND WHAT YOU LIKE… AND OH, FOR THE PERSON WHO SUGGESTED DOING A SIRIUS DIARY, WE ARE STARTING ONE. THANK YOU TO FACE OF EVIL WHO IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO REVIEWS.


	4. Author's Notes: please read!!!

Sorry for this, but we had to address all of the reviews and comments we've been getting.  
  
Thx so much to Face of Evil!!! U've been reviewing and we're soo happy u like them and want us to update. Thx to gothic blue kitten!! We will try a snape one, but he appears in the Neville diaries which we have yet to put up. U see, lots of the diaries are written. It's just that the so-called better and less insane friend happens to be the messiest person I know, and is currently LOOKING for the lost Neville diaries. So u will have to check in the Entry 1 every so often to see if the Neville ones are put up. I believe that Bobarella1 (the "better one") found some behind her door in her room…so anyways. Oh, to the person that reviewed wanting a Sirius Diary…we are working on it. It has so many things that we can use…(i.e. crookshanks) and ya Bobarella2 (the orli luver)(me) is currently writing that. Over the March Break, we have decided to write at least 3 entries for at least 3 of our characters, so we will have nine entries by the end of March Break at least. For Bobarella2, it will be more, since I am currently bringing Sirius up to speed with the others (lucky me). Also, thanx to Arissande, we laugh like that too sometimes, except during class, when we read what the other person wrote, and then our teacher gets pissed off. But who cares, she should go take a shower the smelly bi- ok, getting off topic…  
  
TO THE PERSON WHO SEZ WE ARE HARRY POTTER HATERS: ** ( )  
  
We do not hate harry potter!!! Why would you get that idea?? We are just putting a fun spin on it…if you don't like it, don't read it, nobody is forcing you, and plus, we are only making fun of the characters because we don't like the actors that are in the movie. (i.e. ratboy and pumpkin head (ron) and hermione too). Ok?? Nobody here hates Harry Potter, just Daniel Ratboy.  
  
Ummm, just thinking about what other things I can tell you about… We have an Angelina Diary, which I wrote and Bobarella1 has also lost some of it…and we have a few "guest diaries" like Colin…which is pretty funny, I think.  
  
When you review, if u would like to get a diary of one of your fav characters that we missed, please tell us. Or if u just want a "guest appearance" that u think would be funnie, tell us.  
  
Thanx to everyone who is reviewing, we luv it, it makes us feel special…  
  
BYE!!! The Bobarellas 


	5. Entry 3

**Entry #3: HARRY**

Alright!(heehee) I passed exams! (turns on music and dances the tarantella) Ok, ::pant:: as a celebration ::pant:: I ::pant:: brought my chum ::pant:: Ron!!! (Ron walks in room looking afraid) Now, he doesn't know how to dance well, so I composed a song! (clasps his hands, takes out sheet of paper) Here you go Ron! (Ron takes paper. Looks at it and now looks more afraid) (Harry takes out harmonica) Okay!!

H: There was an old man and he had an old sow!

R: Um…sow(blows raspberry), sow(blows raspberry) hi diddle dow

H: Oh! There was an old man and he had an old sow

R:Umm man(blows raspberry) man(blows raspberry)

H: SUSANNA'S A FUNNY OLD MAN!!!

(Knock on door, its Professor McGonagall) PM: Can you keep it down? Goodness its 4am!!! 

H: Oh, Professor! Come in, have a dance!!

PM: No, I didn't come here to dance, I came here cause I wanted to go to bed!!

H: (lifts eyebrow) sorry, it's not that kind of party. But-

R: (now really scared) Erm, I was just leaving. Bye. (runs away) (PM looks shocked)

HERMIONE: No hermione today.

RON: 

Holy crap, Harry's so demented. A paper fell out of his book yesterday- it said Narco Freedom Anonymous. So those were his "precious crystals"…

Smelled something burning. Didn't see my poopsie woopsie (starts pouting).

MALFOY: (A/N: may offend some people, if u don't like it, don't read it, for comedic purposes only)

Angels, angels everywhere, yet not a drop to drink… What?!?!? Ha!!

Can't you hear them on my roof? (curls into ball and starts rocking) tappity tap tap, tappity tap tap

Do you hear them? The gondolas are coming, the gondolas are coming! (sings) When the moon hits your eye- like a big pizza pie- that's amore!

Can't- take- boring- mundane- existence- (gathers stuff into a ball and takes out a lighter) Ha Now we'll all die!

Loose lips sink ships… Loose lips sink ships… Loose lips sink ships…(lights his robe on fire) (Hermione rushes in)  "Hi, Ohmigod, quick, take that off!!! (puts out fire with extinguisher) (looks @ Malfoy without robe) Ah! Oh god…(runs away) 74+7=81, yes and the circumference will always equal…"

(Malfoy curls back up and lights up his finger) Remember the Alamo…(snaps out of it) What? AH!! 

aw crap. That was a perfectly good finger…


	6. Entry 4

You guys wanted it, so you got it!!!! Thanx to everyone else who reviewed! We luv u guys ::tear tear:: u make us feel special!! To Agiel: ::sigh:: In the future, please remember that reviews are for the content of a story, not criticism of the belief of what YOU personally believe a chapter can contain, or criticism of the jokes that we put in our fiction. Entry #4 HARRY 

Okay, good news! Today is the second day of narco-freedom. Yes- I don't need those crystals anymore…Those beautiful crystals…Those precious-(starts panting) Crap! Okay, okay, focus! (starts shivering) No! (takes off bungee cord from wall and puts it on. He runs out).

HERMIONE: no hermione today…

RON: Ok, I am going to join the annual Hogwarts Beauty Pageant to get Malfoy's attention. (starts pacing) lets see… I have TOTALLY got the swimsuit competition under control…Oh! My talent! Okay, I think I've got one but I need to practice. Who'll help me? Hermione- no. I think she's got a little-erm-problem. (believe me, I learned that the hard way) Harry- NO!! (shudder) That musical was pretty freaky. Anyways, he told me he was going to bungee jump off Gryffindor tower. (leaves, talking to himself)

MALFOY: I had a dream. There were all these trees around me an- Goddammit!!!! Can't a peanut get any peace??? (smacks forehead) NO!!! (starts twirling) I created Curious George, you know?? He was always such a cute thing: swimming around his little tank- (sniffs) do you smell that? Aw crap, it must be that stupid Curious George and his ebola virus. He disgusts me, the scaly little thing.

REVIEW PLEEEEEEEEASE!!!!


	7. Entry 5

Entry #5 HARRY 

(camera turns on. Harry sitting w/hand over Bunsen burner) Ahem. I have finally- eyes roll to back of head) :cough: finally found something to keep my mind on something other than my crystals…(eyes roll back again) Um…I'm going to create my own outdoors show, complete w/ wild animals! Alright, see you tomorrow! (turns off burner stands up) Bye. (leaves. After gone, Hermione stands up from "under" table, wiping her mouth) (Authors note: Did I just write that?)

RON:

I have finally chosen my talent!!! Door opening! For this video diary entry, I have chosen to tape in a room w/ many doors, just to practice. (walks to door, and opens it) See, here's a classroom, (opens another) P.U. !!! A dungeon!!! (opens another door) Oh, a closet! (looks inside) whoops, looks like Dumbledore's still hiding in there. Umm, I think I'll run away now…

MALFOY:

Hi my name's 2 toed todd. I bet you're wondering why im called 2-toed. Well, I have 2 toes. I used to be a happy child, until my mom made me get a job. I mean, I was only 26! Well, so my first job was @ McDonald's. I came home everyday with an aching back and head. Oh no, I didn't just flip burgers, I did cash too!!! It was all okay, until my manager fired me. He said I was a moron. I mean, how was I supposed to know that smiles were free?

Anyway, so I was out of a job until this really nice car pulled up close to me and some guy offered me a job. His name was Tony. My first job was to stand in this washroom and shoot some guy. But when he came in, I got scared and accidentally fired @ my toes. Hence the "2-toed". So Tony didn't fire me (he's the greatest) instead, I got a job in garbage disposal. I had to throw away these huge garbage bags, they were so heavy, like there was a body in it or something…(shakes head) anyways, once I was throwing a bag into the river. So I picked it up and it broke! Guess what? Hundreds of body parts fell out! All of a sudden there were police cars everywhere so I ran away as fast as I could! I mean, I didn't want to get arrested for littering or something.

So I went home. My mom, she's a falafel baker, told me to get another job, cause Indiana (which is where we live) was big. So I went back to Tony and he gave me a new job, answering phones.

One day, one of Tony's friends called. He told me his name was Officer Norman. I mean, what kind of a name is officer? But he asked me some questions, and since he was Tony's friend I told him about this shed Tony has, its full of- I dunno- baby powder or something. I was so proud that I did Tony a facour! But later, Tony told me to leave. I said that I needed money. So Tony gave me this suitcase full of thousand $ bills! I was rich.

I went straight home and showed it to my mom. And you know what she did? She arrested me!!!

Huh, and I always thought the FBI on the back of her coat meant Falafal backer of Indiana. (walks away, twitching and limping)

Entry #6 HARRY 

****

(in front of elephant) I will attempt to put this (takes out orange teeshirt) on the elephant. (Harry climbs on, gets crushed into a bloody pulp) This is actually quite painful…Okay tune in next week when I try to breastfeed a wolf!


	8. Entry 6

ENTRY 6:

HARRY:

(comes onstage) ok…unfortunately I have recently found, due to my encounter w/wolves, that I am bleeding internally and have 1 year to live. In the rest of my short life, I will dedicate my life to being a big awesome hero. (takes out cocaine and snorts) (sob) goodbye…

Harry(written)

Breastfed wolves yesterday. Very painful. Found out am dying. Not good. Walked in on teachers going at it like there's no tomorrow…Good lord, only 1 year to live and I'm emotionally deranged…Stupid existence.

RON:

(Crying) confessed my true feelings to Malfoy today… didn't go well. He had a gun and was so upset that he shot his toes. Definitely not a good relationship start. Godammit, why is this so unfair?! (breaks into wailing sobs) (Ron looks down) Dammit, Hermione, just give it up okay??

COLIN: guest diary

(has camera) wow, looks like Harry has become strangely heroic over the past week. See? (takes out pictures of Harry, all look like they've been taken w/out him knowing) (Flips through) Here's Harry, sitting in front of a TV, being lazy. (takes out one of him sleeping) lazy again. (takes one of Harry getting nipples ripped off by wolves) see? Suddenly he's breastfeeding wolves, and, (takes out picture of Harry saving cat from a tree) heroic. (takes out pic of Harry and Ron fighting troll) heroic. (accidentally takes out pic of Harry in the shower) oops, erm…how did that get there? (pulls out one of Harry fighting Voldie) ::ahem:: see? Heroic. Weird…

HERMIONE: (written)

Was rejected 7 times by 7 different guys today. Am thinking of having eyebrows waxed. Maybe I'll be less repulsive. Ron said he was gay. Already knew that. Duh. It's all the same down there. Right??


	9. The Second Author's Note Chapter: please...

1 WOW!!! Sorry Agiel, but I just HAD to put in another Author's chapter…  
  
K, first, I have to ask you guys about our next diary people. We have Sirius, Angelina, and Neville to put up, but we wanted to ask you how you guys want us to put them up. We aim to please!! We can (a) add them to the existing entries, so keep ALL of entry 1 together (b) start a new fic, so like Hyper Pothead Diaries continued (c) have new chapters like Entry 1b, and 2b, and the "b"s stand for the new diaries. The problem with (a) is that you will have to keep checking the already existing chapters, and that we have to remove all of the entries and re-upload them with the new diaries added on. So please tell us what you think, write it in the reviews, and it's just another excuse to click the nice button at the bottom of the screen ::smiles sweetly at person who bobarella2 KNOWS will review::  
  
Second, OMG Aurin reviewed. We are REALLY excited about this. Aurin is our favourite author, and she has written amazing stuff. But we warn you it is dark, but SO wonderfully written. I don't think she liked our fic, but what we write, and most of what we read are totally different things, so hopefully, Aurin if you are reading this, we are not stupid ditzes, we just write like we are!!! Now all we need are Aelora and Tinuviel Henneth (amazing fic called NOX must read for all HP fans) to review, and we will be content for the rest of our lives!!!  
  
Third, we need more reviews!! Please, please, it just takes a second to type I liked it, it was funnie, or, it sucks, delete the fic (hopefully no one thinks that, but, hey) that's all we want, we LIVE for reviews!!  
  
Fourth, thank you to everyone who did review!! To the person who said the beginning ones were funnier than the last ones, we know, we are currently on writers block, but today during geo, we thought up some great concepts, and plus, the diaries which are written but not put up yet (ahem, review, cough) because we need more reviews, are pretty funny if I do say so myself. If u don't think so don't blame me, that's our sense of humour…  
  
Apologizing again Agiel (sent a very nasty review forbidding author's notes chapters, but how am I supposed to communicate with the readers??)  
  
~hugs kisses and cookies~  
  
BOBARELLA2 


	10. Entry 7

ENTRY 7

HARRY:

(sobbing) I have decided what I'm going to do. I mean, yesterday I finally realized that I have done so little in life. I mean, what's breastfeeding wolves if forget about the important things? Going to Disneyland, seeing mars, I may never again have a chance to TRULY live! So I've decided: I'm going to be a woman. I will live out the rest of my days as Harriet. (stands up and leaves)

RON:

Went to party, got flopping drunk. Serenaded Malfoy. Didn't work though, he kept saying, "life is a precious gift, life is a precious gift,"Life is not kind to redheads. Harry has a girlfriend! I found a picture of her in his drawer! NO! why?! Why have you forsaken me, LORD? (falls on knees) Malfoy's going to St. Mungo's. See? See what I have to put up with? (Door opens, Angelina-um-"interacting" with Weasley twins) Not AGAIN!!! (closes door) dammit Fred, now I have to go and wash out my brain again!! (hears muffled noises escaping door) You know what?? I'm leaving. This tape is over. (mumbles as he leaves) Why's everyone getting some but me?? 

HERMIONE:

(rocking back and forth violently) god, I need sex, god, I need sex, god, I need sex, god I need sex, god I need sex. (colin comes out) C: you can have sex with meee!!:: snorts:: (hermione looks at him) god I take it back, god I take it back god I take it back…

MALFOY:

Uhh painful. Strangely woke up with huge headache in place I've never seen before. Was I drinking? No! I promised Elmira I wouldn't! She'll be so disappointed when she returns from the war. Whats this? No! You don't have a friend if he has no Kraft Dinner! Ok, ok. Rethink night… Ok, no memories of actual night: blank. Oh, woke up to someone dying. Actually, trying to die…tried to convince him to stay alive by telling him that life is a precious gift…he didn't listen though.


	11. Entry 1- Neville and Angelina

Hey all you crazy ppl!! Um, sorry me and Bobarella 1 haven't written in like months, but we sort of lost interest! And then ff.net went down and now we're back!! These are diary entries 1-3 for Angelina Johnson and Neville Longbottom. I think you'll like them if you liked the other ones. The idea for Hermione was taken from us trying to figure out why she is sooo school-concious. And since we're both very sick in the head, this is what we came up with.  
  
Background Info:  
  
Angelina: very pretty, kind of naïve, and is on Quidditch team. Pretty much everyone wants to fuck her.  
  
Neville: Has gay tendencies.likes harry.does "extra credit assignments" for some teachers.won't give away who.  
  
DAY 1  
  
Angelina  
  
Tried out for Quidditch Team today. Was prettiest of the 3 girls that were there. But Wood wouldn't even let me play. He just said, "designated hottie" and told me I was on the team. I think he meant "designated chaser" or "designated hitter" Everyone was staring at me when I walked onto the pitch.  
  
Neville  
  
2day I came to Hogwarts. Lost toad. Again. Huge man winked when he gave it back to me. Am a little scared by that. Also, took boats with girl with big teeth, big hair and hideously bushy eyebrows. When she passed by me, she muttered something about not being tempted. I told her my name and held out my hand, but she just said, "hermione" and then started saying, "Wingaaaardium Levioosa" over and over again. Weird.  
  
P.S. I think Lee Jordan was doing evil things with that tarantula in the janitors closet on the Hogwarts Express.  
  
  
  
DAY 2  
  
Angelina  
  
Went to Quidditch practice. When changing into Quidditch robes, everyone drifted over and started admiring my broom. It's a Cleensweep 4. Not really a superb broom. Actually its worth 2 knuts at Quality Quidditch Supplies. Strange. Also, Wood wanted us to practice taking hits. He made me tackle him to the ground and straddle him. Sort of weird because we play on brooms. (Starts pacing) Am I the ONLY sane person on the Quidditch team? Fred or George wanted to know if I could straddle them after practice. I said, well, erm. I have to go do that..uh..thing that I have to do..ya..(runs away)  
  
Neville  
  
Snape told me I couldn't pass Potions. I asked him for extra work. He gave me this evil smile. Am going to office after dark. Later I am taking a shower now, that was worse than being in Forbidden Forest. Hermione keeps following Harry and Ron around, licking her lips. Am pretending not to notice.  
  
DAY 3  
  
Angelina  
  
Am feeling horrible. (takes swig of some alcoholic beverage) Screamed out Fred's name at inopportune time. Turned out it was George who asked me to straddle him (buries head in hands). (sings) wasted away again in Marguerita-ville. ::SOB::  
  
Neville  
  
Today Harry saved my Rememberall. He flew up and took it from Malfoy. Ron kept dancing around looking torn. I think he likes Malfoy. Harry was so wonderful. And brave and talented.ah well, Ron will kill me if I try anything. Got my arm fixed my Madame Pomfrey. Kept hearing banging noises coming from the closet. I think someone was stuck in there. I don't even wanna know who, although I did see a glimpse of silvery-white beard.I feel dirty just thinking about that. Speaking of dirty, its time to pay Snape a visit!! 


End file.
